A/N: November is National Adoption Month. This article “Lies Commonly Believed About Adoption” do not apply to everyone, or every adoption situation: but these are some preconceived notions that often hide behind peoples beliefs on adoption issues. I understand that each adoption has it’s own unique situations, and issues. I understand that each adopted child will feel differently. These lies are compiled from my personal experience, and a couple other friends. I hope you enjoy reading! Blessings!
I was adopted when I was ten days old…if you’ve read my blog for awhile you probably are already aware of this. (If you would like to know more about my adoption story, you can read it here.) Growing up as an adopted kid I noticed several lies, questions, and patterns people who weren’t adopted believed or felt inclined to ask. Some of these idea’s, questions, and concerns had a sense of validity to them…but sometimes? They really didn’t. I would try to answer everyone’s questions patiently, and I would try to be the voice of reason when they didn’t understand the ridiculousness of the lies they were believing. Trust me friends, there are lies about adoption that people believe. Maybe you believe some of them. You are welcome to your own opinion, but from someone who has lived through an adoption, trust me, there are many lies about adoption that are easy to slip into believing. Here are some of them:
Lie #1: ADOPTION IS SAD.
You wouldn’t believe how many times I’d say: “I’m adopted,” and the first response I get is: “oh, I’m sorry.” Why are you sorry? Why do you feel the need to apologize to me? Why do you think that adoption means I have a terrible life? Why do you think that adoption is something you have to be sympathetic to me about? You don’t. You 100% don’t. There may be sad circumstances around the adoption. Maybe my life is sad. Maybe my life is “terrible”(it isn’t, just for the record!)…but that does not mean adoption is sad, or terrible. Adoption is beautiful. It is the moment where another person is willing to take someone into there home and love them, care for them, and parent them for the rest of there lives. That is not sad. That is BEAUTIFUL. It is not something you have to be “sorry” for me about. It is something you should be saying: “that’s so great!” about. Because it is. You should be thinking: “dang, that’s amazing.” Because it is. If you’re telling me my life is “sad” because I got given into the arms of a loving family, then I really want to know what a “happy” life looks like. Sometimes people who adopt really shouldn’t, adopt, and adopted children might have a sad past ,or future – but don’t take that out on all adoption. For the most part: adoption is a beautiful process of love and selflessness. Adoption is NOT a bad thing. ADOPTION IS BEAUTIFUL. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PITY ME BECAUSE I AM ADOPTED.
Lie #2: Adoption means the child is not loved.
This is usually what most people feel the need to “apologize” and feel “sorry” about. They feel as if the child must not be loved by there biological parents because they were put up for adoption. Whatever the case is: adoption does not mean that this child is not loved. It means that they were put in a home to be loved fully and completely by parents who can hopefully give the child the best shot at life…adoption does not mean that you are not loved and it does not mean that: (goes into #3)…
Lie #3: Adopted parents cannot love there adopted child as much as biological parents can.
I get really angry when people try to tell me this. The act of adoption itself is an act (or should be) of love. It is loving a child so much that you make them your own. It is promising to feed, teach, raise a child for the rest of there lives. It’s giving and being selfless. Think of your friends. Do you love them? Yes? Are they biologically related to you? No? You don’t have to be biologically related to love someone.
Some people argue that a “parents” love is different. That you cannot possibly love a child the same who isn’t your flesh. A child is a child. A parent is a parent. When you bring a child into your home it is an act of love, and you will love them the same. It does not matter if they are adopted. It shouldn’t matter. And if it does matter whether you’re biological or not: well, you shouldn’t be adopting.
Lie #4: Adoption is only for people who can’t have biological children.
“You shouldn’t adopt if you have biological kids”…Wrong!Just because you have biological children does not mean you can’t adopt. It just means that when/if you adopt you’ll have another beautiful child to bless and it also means your household will grow. If you have biological children, they are a blessing! Cherish them. If you adopt children, they are a blessing! Cherish them!
Lie #5: ADOPTION IS WRONG.
I hated it when people would say: “well, you know even giving the kid up for adoption is better then having an abortion!” This drove me CRAZY. I do believe that adoption is better then having an abortion. I do NOT believe the statement that “EVEN giving up the kid” is better. That statement “even adoption is better” leads back to #1: “Adoption is Sad/Bad.”Not only does it make adoption seem like it is sad or bad, it also makes it seem like it is WRONG. This statement makes it seem as if the biological parents are WRONG to give up there child. It makes the biological parents are given to options: wrong (abortion), and slightly less wrong (adoption.) That isn’t the case. It’s actually between: death and life. Terrible and Beautiful..
Adoption: It is not sad. It is not bad. If you give your child up for adoption it is an act of love. It is you saying: I love you so much I am going to give you to another family because they can care for you much better then I can.” That isn’t a bad thing. That’s a beautiful thing.
Lie #6: Adopting from another country is better.
It doesn’t matter where your adopt from. There are children all over the world who need a home and loving family. I’m tired of people thinking that they have to go to China, or India, or Russia to adopt a child. To really “help” a child. There a plenty of children who need homes in Canada, America, etc. Do I think it’s wrong to adopt from overseas/distant destinations? No! Of course not! But those are not the only way to adopt.
Lie #7: Your “Real” Parents are your Biological Parents.
There is a difference between your “real parents” and your “biological parents.” A lot of people won’t understand this. Most people will describe your “real parents” as your biological parents because they are to lazy to use the word “biological” instead. I admit, when I didn’t know the word “biological” I would use the word “real” because I didn’t know what the actual word I was searching for was. My”real” parents are the people who raised, clothed, and fed me. My real parents are the people who were always there for me.. They are the parental figures in my life. My birthparents, are my biological parents. They are the people who gave me life, they are not my”real parents”.
Lie #8: Adopted children should not be curious about there biological roots.
If your adopted child is curious about there adopted family, this does not mean that they don’t love you (there adopted parents). Wondering where they come from, and who they look like is natural. For me, it was not a matter of wanting to leave my adopted parents. I never would leave them. I just wanted to know where I get parts of who I am.
If you were raised in a biological family you know exactly who you look like, you know exactly how you act like your Mom, and you know you got your nose from your dad. It probably drives you crazy when people tell you: “ohmygosh! You look exactly like ______!” or “you said that exactly like your _________!” or “you definetly get that talent from your __________!” You know how that feels right?
Imagine having none of that.
You have no idea if your nose is from your Mom or Dad.
You don’t know if your birthparents had bad eyesite like you.
Or if you share that one weird talent from anyone.
It’s not about wanting to replace your adopted parents.
It’s about being curious about where your roots come from.
It’s a chapter in your life that is there, but you can’t read it.
PS – Some biological children won’t be curious about there biological family. I think it depends on the person. But I don’t think it should be a bad thing if they are curious about there biological roots.
Thank-you for reading my thoughts on adoption. I hope you understand, and grow in your knowledge of adoption. Every adoption comes with it’s unique set of circumstances, and traits, but for the most part it is (or should be) a beautiful thing! I hope you know, or learn that. Many Blessings!